The Innocent Bystander

Asexual Militancy

By ART HOPPE

"In a world filled with heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals and transexuals," asks a reader, "haven't we too long overlooked the plight of the asexuals?"

We have indeed. By a stoke of good fortune, however, I was able to obtain an interview with C. Wordsworth Gates, a 47-year-old Iowa bowling instructor who recently cam out of the closet to become president of the militant Asexual Liberation Movement. A transcript follows:

Q — You are an avowed asexual, Mr. Gates?

A — Yes, and proud of it, although I should add that we asexuals prefer being called "A's" or, even better, "straight A's."

Q — And have you been an A all your life, sir?

A — Oh, no. No one is born an A. Our members come from all walks of sexual preferences. In each case, he or she comes to realize that the fleeting pleasures of sex are scant rewards for the constant hassles it entails.

Q — And so they retire into sexual closets?

A — Yes. But now they are coming out in droves. There are two reasons for this: First, it really isn't much fun doing nothing in a closet. And second, being a secret A arouses all sorts of suspicions among one's friends. "Strange he's never married," they'll whisper behind your back. And the fellows will start avoiding you in the locker room

Q — But you're out to change all that?

A — You bet. We members of A Lib are stressing A pride. When we are now asked our sexual preference on employment forms, we boldly write down, "None."

Q — Are you discriminated against nevertheless?

A — We sure are. We're presently fighting a case against the Marine Corps. They're trying to dishonorably discharge a young private who admitted to being a practicing asexual when they caught him reading "War and Peace."

Q — I suppose you A's tend to hang around together?

A — Naturally. There's hardly a community in the land these days that doesn't have its A restaurants, A bars, and A motels.

Q — And what do you do in these places?

A — Eat, drink and sleep.

Q — Well, I admire your honesty in bringing this problem out into the open. But do you think society is ready to meet it head on? Could an admitted asexual, for example, ever rise to the top of his profession?

A — Is the pope Catholic? (Copy-right)